Remember my post from a few weeks ago? This is Part 2, because there is a lot of bad relationship advice out there, apparently.
Once I asked the black girl group chat the list got longer. If you missed Worst relationship advice part 1, read it here. Let’s dig in!
Anything that suggests there is a perfect match. People never come perfect. There will ways be things you have to discuss and work through together. It easy to think that your girlfriend has the “perfect relationship”. That does not exist. People are picking their battles all the time. You are two full-grown adults from two households and two experiences. There will be things to overcome. (This still does not mean build a bear, sis.)
You will be each other’s everything. I have met people who are actually each other’s everything and I still don’t think its healthy. People are complex and there is just no way that you can get everything you need from one person. I also don’t think its fair to ask that of one person. Your partner should be your go-to but you need friends and family as well. Don’t drop your friends and family because you have a boo, they keep you interesting. And certain groups of people feed different parts of your spirit and you can hear things from them in a way you may not be able to hear them at home.
Personal example: My love of “comfort” has gone a bit far a few times. My sister has pulled me aside to gather me on “being too comfortable”…remember my sweatpants intervention? I can hear that advice from her in a way I am not ready to hear from a man in any capacity. Doesn’t mean we don’t roll our eyes and say “whatever” but I know if she felt the need to say it, it’s real and I need to change it up.
I do think this is one of those things that maybe when you’ve been married a while can change though. Like if I have been married to a person for like 20 years, got kids, mortgage, taxes, etc then you can be everything but I still believe in girls trips and separate hobbies etc.
Let them go, if it’s meant to be they will come back. This was like the high school mantra for breaking up because someone is moving away. None of those people ever came back and its the best thing I never had. Better advice: Let them go because what you want at 17 will not be what you want at 27, let’s do some living and then see if you even remember each other in a couple years.
You should wait for him to get himself together. Nope. We’re not doing this. If you are young, single (not married) and fly, keep it moving. You do not have years to wait for a person to get it together. Remember Issa and Lawrence from Insecure? Nah. Don’t do that.
When you love someone, You’re supposed to fight for it. Whew child! A girlfriend who had a borderline abusive relationship (meaning he never hit her but the uncontrolled bursts of anger suggested it could happen) shared this one with me. She was in fear of physical violence from a partner and this is the advice she was given. Who raised yall? This is not a fight you want to have, you will pay with your life.
I do believe in fighting for your relationships in the general sense like going to counseling, communication, showing empathy and active listening. I do not think you should “fight” for a relationship that is diminishing to your personhood.
This was fun! The group chat loved this conversation and hopefully, you all did as well. Looking back, I don’t think relationship advice is as terrible as it is incomplete. People kind of let these sayings roll off the tongue and don’t offer any context or nuance.
I am not the relationship guru. I am not going to write a book after being married just 90 days. And I don’t have all the answers but I wanted to hold up some of this advice to the light so we can actually examine it before we just repeat it to the next generation.