Bring your full self into the room, be yourself and shift but don’t edit all mean the same thing in varying degrees. The point of them all is to say, all the things about you make you special, so do not try to be anyone else. Think about it – if Oprah was afraid to be herself in the 80’s we would not have Oprah today. We have been hearing this since we were kids from one well-meaning adult or another. If you are like me, I never quite knew what it meant in action until I was an adult myself and I am still learning.
To explain, I was always a person who thought I was being myself, but in hindsight, there were parts of me I would tuck away from certain people. You want to be the cool girlfriend so you pretend to be “fine” all the time. You don’t speak up when offended by friends/co-workers because you pretend to be “easy going” or maybe you just find yourself performing for people – trying to make sure they think you are perfect and have “it all”. It happens. This kind of self-editing is automatic and happens far into adulthood. We are all trying to seem together. We want to know if “they” like me.
This realization hit me, like a ton of bricks in the most unexpected place. I was attending a co-worker’s baby shower where one of the girls invited a medium. I had never encountered a medium and kind of thought it was all BS. Well, I asked her to read my energy (I was full of snark this day). We sat down, she took my hands, closed her eyes…and when she opened them she told me “shift but don’t edit”. I looked at her and my eyes welled with tears.
So back story…at the time I was working at a company for maybe 8 months (new but not really), where I was one of maybe five other black people. Everyone was blonde, republican and perky. I felt like no one liked me (this mattered to me back then). At the time, I thought it didn’t bother me but in reality, I was performing every day. I was tap dancing around myself and trying to give off signs that I am “just like you” to be accepted. But after the encounter with the medium and I finally dried my tears, I began to shed the weight of needing to be anyone but me to impress anyone else.
I started the process by being honest with myself and first admitting that I needed to get back to my center and find my own baseline again. I surrounded myself with people outside of work that knew and loved me. I then would make time to access my own heart and mind when I was feeling anxious or out of sorts in any way about anything. I would (and still do) stand in the mirror and talk to myself/ask myself questions out loud like:
If I wake up sad or heavy...How are you really feeling today and why?
- If I am concerned with being liked at work...Your only responsibility is to be who you are and do good work.
- If I am concerned with being liked by new friends…If they don’t get you, they are not your people and that’s ok.
- If I need to be disagreeable…Ask the hard questions, all they can say is no.
- When I need to be brave…What is the worst that can happen? You have tackled more than this with much less.
- Meeting new people/interviewing…Stop wondering if they like you, Do you like them?
- When I need to apologize or backtrack… Did what you said/did speak to who you are?
When I find myself performing…Pedestals and perfection are a trap, so be you.
There are many ways to get centered, this is just mine. And like everything, it’s a process. It’s been years since a medium took my head and heart into her hands and set me on a path back to myself. But I never forgot her words and I share them to people often – shift into professional you and leisure you but never edit who you are for anyone.